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Why Nice Guys Finish Last
Jared Laurence
Introduction
We’ve all heard the phrase, “Nice guys finish last.” It’s repeated in frustration by men trying to understand why the world doesn’t seem to reward their kindness and niceness in the dating game. And to be honest it is true in a way that most nice guys finish last.
And this does confuse a lot of men. After all, shouldn’t treating a woman with respect, being thoughtful, and doing everything “right” put you ahead of the pack? Shouldn’t being the guy who listens, cares, and shows up with his heart on his sleeve make you the obvious choice?
But then, time and time again, you watch as women seem to choose the guy who’s indifferent, overly confident, or—even worse—the one who doesn’t treat them well. And it feels unfair to you as the nice guy. The reality is most men are nice for the wrong reasons.
As a dating coach this is the most common thing men complain to me about. Why do nice guys finish last. And to help you out here is the short answer:
Here’s the thing: the issue isn’t that you’re “nice.” It’s that the way you’re being nice or too nice often sends the wrong signals. Women are drawn to men who display confidence, ambition, and leadership, rather than those who are passive and overly eager to please.
Let’s dive into why nice guys finish last, and how you can turn that around to make women attracted to you.
The Problem with Being “Too Nice”
Let’s start with what “nice” means in the context of dating. When a woman calls a man “nice” but doesn’t feel attracted to him, what she’s really saying is, “He’s pleasant, but he doesn’t excite me in any way.”
Women want men who can excite them and make them feel different roller-coaster of emotions. Women are emotional creatures. If you bore them they lose interest.
The problem with the media culture is being nice often gets conflated with being agreeable, passive, or overly accommodating. As a nice guy you are expected to say yes to everything. You put her needs ahead of your own, thinking that’s the way to win her over.
But here’s the problem: when you prioritize her feelings above your own, you inadvertently come across as someone who lacks confidence, boundaries, and individuality. She will walk all over you and resent you for it. Women want a man who can say no to her. Women want a man they can respect and trust him to lead her in life.
Those are the qualities women need to see in a romantic partner. It’s not that women dislike kindness—they value it a lot actually. But kindness without strength, boundaries, or self-respect is just weakness. Its like signaling to the world that you are harmless.
Why Women Want Confidence Over Niceness
Neediness thrives in a vacuum. If your life lacks meaning, goals, or direction, it’s easy to latch onto a woman and make her your sole focus. This is just unattractive to women in general.
Attraction is complex, but one thing is clear: women are drawn to confidence way more than being nice. Confidence signals that you’re comfortable in your own skin, that you have your own life and passions, and that you’re not dependent on her validation to feel complete as a man.
When a “nice guy” prioritizes pleasing a woman over his own needs, it comes across as needy or insecure. Women want a partner, not a doormat.
The reality is women actually prefer a man who is capable of violence but chooses not to. A man who is not a threat to anyone is just another weak guy who she does not feel attraction to.
A man who can say no when she is acting up is attractive to women. They want someone who can challenge them, stand his ground, and bring something unique to the table—not a doormat who says yes to anything she says. This is the number one reason why women hate nice guys. And nice guys finish last.
A man with purpose and mission is magnetic to women. Women are drawn to men who have a mission, something they’re passionate about and actively pursuing. Whether it’s building a business, training for a marathon, or learning a new skill, your purpose should be bigger than finding a girlfriend.
Women are just icing on the cake. Your life, your mission and your goals are the actual cake.
How to Be Nice Without Finishing Last
The good news is, you don’t need to stop being a nice guy to succeed in dating but you do need to make a few changes in how you behave and act. In fact, kindness and emotional intelligence are incredibly attractive when paired with strength, confidence and self-esteem. Here’s how to strike that balance:
- Set Boundaries: Being kind doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. If something doesn’t align with your values, priorities, or schedule, it’s okay to say no. Boundaries show that you respect yourself, and women respect a man who knows his worth. Stop being a yes man. Respect your needs, hobbies and time.
- Lead with Confidence: Own your opinions, express your desires, and don’t be afraid to take the lead. Confidence is about being yourself and being outcome independent. You need to understand that what other people think of you has nothing to do with you.
- Prioritize Your Own Life: Women are drawn to men who have their own passions, goals, and social lives. You should be focused on being the best version of you. If you make her the center of your world you are gonna end up ghosted. Show her that you have a full, vibrant life—and invite her to be part of it, rather than making her the sole focus.
Nice Guys Can Win— But only if they take action to change their life.
The phrase “nice guys finish last” isn’t a death sentence to your dating life. It is however a wake-up call for men. Are you being kind from a place of confidence, or from a place of fear? Are you giving to her because you genuinely want to, or because you’re hoping it will make her like you?
There is a big difference between the two. Women can easily tell when someone is actually kind or faking kindness for attention and validation.
There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy as long as the reasons for being nice are valid.
Because the truth is, real nice guys don’t finish last. But overly agreeable, boundary-less, people-pleasing guys finish last. If you actually want to be a good person then stop saying yes to everything. Have boundaries that you actually enforce. Learn to say to things that put you at a disadvantage.
So, don’t stop being nice. Just stop being “nice” in a way that diminishes who you are as a person. The right woman will love you for your heart—but only if she sees the backbone behind it.
If you need more help with women and dating, getting over neediness, and learning how to attract beautiful women in your life and build an amazing social circle then look no further than the modern success team. Book a Free Call with us using the button below to get started.
Conclusion
about the author
jared lawrence
Founder And CEO Of Modern Success
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